If you are getting run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.

Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record.

The most important difference between business and academia is this: In business everything is dog eat dog. In academia it’s just the reverse.

I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.

The left side controls the right side of your body and right controls the left half. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right minds.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Henry Ward Beecher, so the story goes, was once asked by a young preacher how he could keep his congregation wide awake and attentive during his sermons. Beecher replied that he always had a man watch for sleepers, with instructions, as soon as he saw anyone start nodding or dozing, to hasten to the pulpit

He was the world’s only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.